I didn't know if I should publish this here, but I couldn't resist! Ed brought me this from work.

If They Only Knew...

Calling in sick makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I'm lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I condeded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." I protested, " You know where the button is. Reset it yourself!" She pleaded, "I am scared! What if it starts going and sucks me in? C'mon, it'll only take a second." So out I come, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at my most private area and snagged it with her needle-like claws. Now, when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.